How to Quit Cigs, Caffeine, Temple Run Facebook

4 Mar

PHOTO: SickFacebook.com

According to Social Times, 350 million people suffer from FAD — Facebook Addiction Disorder. I’ve experienced the beginning signs personally. That little red notification blob has the hypnotic lure of a 76% off vacation package on GroupOn. Sorry to tell you, these addicts are not just preteens and teenagers. In fact, my NewsFeed is almost always cluttered by my older friends. So how credible are we, as adults, in warning tweens of social media dangers when we are addicted to it? That, my friends, is hypocrisy at its finest. Here’s some advice to help you get clean. After all, you can’t get on Myagi status without first being the grasshopper.

Admit You Have a Problem, and Don’t Post it as Your Status

Let’s start off with a classic — admitting you have a problem. This is a staple of the addiction world for a reason, right? Just say it, you get a rush from posting those I-drew-genitalia-on-my-friend’s-face-while-he-was-drunk pictures. Your heart pounds at every “Like” on your status update. That’s okay, so long as you admit that these are surefire signs of addiction. You’re not going to follow any other suggestions if you can’t first admit you have the problem.

This Isn’t an All-You-Can-Eat Deal

Limit yourself! You know you’re addicted when checking Facebook is the first thing you do when you wake up. Gear up your inner Stalin and enforce the limitations you put on yourself! If you don’t have that enforcer muscle flexed, have a friend hold you accountable. At most, you should sign in one time a day. ONE. There’s no need to sign in, sign out, and sign back in 30 minutes later. Having a Facebook app downloaded onto your phone is the number one enabler of this habit. I can attest. That little notification nags and nags until you check it. Now that you remind me, delete the Facebook app off your phone to make limiting yourself a less arduous feat.

Go Cold Turkey and Deactivate

It’s quite simple, actually. Go to your account settings, click on security, and look at the bottom of the page. No, lower. Inhale and click “Deactivate”. Now you can’t say you don’t know how to deactivate your Facebook account. This is probably the best way to quit that addiction. At the beginning of the detoxing stage, it will hurt. You’ll feel isolated, bored. You may even shed a couple of tears. But trust me when I say — you will feel liberated from the chains of an ever-demanding social network.

Get a Hobby

Humans worldwide spend over 700 billion minutes a month on Facebook, according to Jeff Bullas. Do you have any idea what could be accomplished by putting those wasted minutes to work? We could have found the cure to cancer, built a teleportation device, threw a couple of pyramids together, and still have time for cappuccino. Lesson of the day: Get off my blog and get a hobby. It’s not your lack of talent or your two left hands that stop you from becoming the next Beethoven. It’s Facebook.

Keep Your Profile, but Delete Everything on It (including Friends)

Don’t worry, they’ll still be your friends in real life. Actually, they’re probably not real-life friends at all. Anyway, this technique is for those who are drop dead serious about cutting their Facebook umbilical cord. Spend a Saturday morning, coffee in hand, deleting all pictures and friends off your profile. This is hard to undo. It only takes five seconds to reactivate your account. Undoing this, however, can take months. If you can never muster up the courage to do this, it’s probably time to get professional help.

And, if your ever feeling like the only person suffering from social media addiction, check out this video. It’ll reassure you; you are not alone. And it’s hilarious.

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One Response to “How to Quit Cigs, Caffeine, Temple Run Facebook”

  1. Wendy March 4, 2012 at 11:32 pm #

    I find myself turning off my alarm in the morning and then checking my FB – this article was amusing and true.

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